Stop Boring Your Partner with Work Drama: Ali Kolbert Stand-Up


-My next guest is
a fantastic stand-up comedian. You can follow her
on Instagram — @alikolbert. Give it up for Ali Kolbert! ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -What’s up, Los Angeles? [ Cheers and applause ] Always wanted to say that. It’s good to be here.
I have a girlfriend. It’s a —
-Whoo! -Yeah, yeah. Yeah, the gays.
It’s a — It’s a weird time in America
to be in a gay relationship. Like, our president is Trump. Our vice president is gay. First-ever gay vice President. I’m actually bisexual, which means I’m attracted
to both women… and food. [ Laughter ] My girlfriend and I,
we’ve been together two years. [ Cheers and applause ] So, yep. Eh. So we’re kind of just looking for that next exciting thing
to do together. You know, I don’t know
if we should go on vacation or break up. We get in this fight a lot, and I think a lot of people in
relationships get in this fight. Your partner
comes home from work, and they want to tell you
about everything that happened to them
that day at the office. And it’s kind of like, “Don’t.” [ Laughter ] Like, I feel like
I’m being forced to watch the most boring TV show
of all time, but I got to memorize
all the different characters. She comes home.
She’s like, “Steve quit.” I’m like, “Oh, Steve! Not gonna
make it to season three!” [ Laughter ] The worst thing I can do,
though, is, like, I’ll forget someone
who she’s spoken to me about. I’m like,
“I’m so sorry. Who’s Lydia?” It becomes World War III
in my house. She’s like,
“How could you forget Lydia?!” [ Laughs ] She’s like, “You can remember all the characters
in ‘Game of Thrones,’ though.” I’m like, “Yeah, you call me when someone gets beheaded
at your startup.” [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] I think it’s interesting, like,
the way you learn about yourself and your sexuality growing up. Like, when I was younger, I had the biggest crush
on Jennifer Aniston. [ Cheers and applause ] And I would always watch
the TV show “Friends.” And my friends
would play that game where they’d be like,
“I’m Monica, you’re Phoebe. Who are you, Ali?” And I’d just be like,
“I guess I’m Gunther. [ Laughter ] I just kind of want
to smell Rachel’s hair.” My friends and I,
in middle school, we’d just sit around in circles,
and they would just be like, “You guys
are gonna be bridesmaids at my wedding one day.” And in the back of my mind,
I was just like, “One of you
is gonna be my bride. [ Laughter ] Which one?” [ Cheers and applause ] My sister is actually
pregnant now. I just — I just hate to see evil people bringing more people
into the world. We were talking about how she’s gonna have to
reprimand her children, and we were thinking
about all the ways our parents used to punish us
growing up. And I was like, “Wow. All those punishments
would totally be rewards now.” Like, “Take a nap!
Eat your dinner! If you don’t, I’ll spank you!” Sign me up! Sounds hot. [ Applause ] I love listening to girls
every month celebrate when they get
their period. They’re just like,
“Oh, my God! I got it! Thank God I’m not pregnant
with this random guy’s baby.” [ Laughter ] And it’s like — the stakes
are a lot higher for gay women. Like, every month, I’m like, “Thank God I’m not pregnant
with God’s baby.” [ Laughter ] “I read your book.” My girlfriend, she talks
about wanting to have a baby. I don’t know
if I want to have a baby. But when you’re in
a gay relationship, you really have to think
about that stuff because nothing’s happening
on accident, you know? I think it’s
a beautiful privilege that straight couples can go out
and just be like, “Drank too much tequila,
started a family. My B.” Like, if my girlfriend and I
go out and we have a crazy
Saturday night and we wake up with a baby… we’re going to jail! Can’t do that. Thank you, guys.
I’m Ali Kolbert.

25 Replies to “Stop Boring Your Partner with Work Drama: Ali Kolbert Stand-Up”

  1. Yo, the audience is way over-hyping it this episode lol…
    Espicially that one guy with the spontanuous "woo", like chill my dude, let the things being said sink in lmao …

  2. "The stakes are a lot higher for gay women. Like, every month, I'm like, "Thank God I'm not pregnant with God's baby."
    I died๐Ÿ˜‚

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