Are things getting a little crazy
blowing up all over the place? Angry teenagers can make it very
difficult in a home. How to deal with your angry teen? By the end of this video,
you’ll have some confidence that you can handle this. I’ve got 5 ideas for you today about
how to deal with your angry teenager and the first and foremost of these tips is
to remember your job. This is hard when your teenager is angry and causing some
disruption and just being a pill to live with. Your job as a parent is what? It’s
to love them no matter what and even if. No matter what and even if. Wrap your
head around that for a moment. Your teenager may go through some turbulent
times. And their anger can tip you over and get you to thinking sometimes that
maybe your job is to make sure that they’re not angry. Well, can you do this?
No. You’re not very good at that job, are you? You might start thinking your job is
to make sure that they are productive citizens that keep up on their homework
and treat people kindly and with respect. No, that’s not your job. You’ll probably
do some of that naturally. But remember your job is to love them no matter what
and even if. Now, as you connect with that true principle. How does that feel? Do you
notice a little sense of relief? Just in knowing your job is to love them
no matter what and even if. That brings a little sense of relief to my heart. Does
it do the same for you? Well, there’s a good argument that we’re right on with
this. Your job is to love them no matter what even if. Keep that in mind as we go
through the other 4 tips for how to deal with an angry teenager. Here’s your
second tip. Maintain a calm voice calm face and calm body. The worst thing that
we can do if our teenager is angry is to return
anger or to show up with an expression or a voice that is not conducive to calm.
Calm voice, calm face, calm body. I got this originally from Nikoline Peck who
has been here on the channel before helping us with our positive parenting
playlist. Calm voice, calm face calm body. If we are calm, we can solve anything.
Stay calm and parent on. We, got to create a t-shirt
for that. Would you buy one if we did? Stay calm and parent on. You know, calm
voice, calm face, calm body. Not only put you in a better position as a parent to
handle this disruptive event that’s happening with your angry teenager, it
also models for your teenager exactly what you expect. And you might even be
able to use this phrase. I’m happy to talk to you about this. When you’re
talking to me the same way I’m talking to you. See? That assumes that you as a
parent are maintaining a calm voice, calm face and calm body. The other clear
benefit to this particular tip is that it allows you to separate the emotion
from the discipline. And it becomes all business. This is a really powerful way
to transfer the burden of thinking back to your teenager. Calm voice, calm face,
calm body. While we’re talking about modeling appropriate behavior, let’s go
to tip number 3. Practice unwavering respect.
I mean you as a parent. Practice unwavering respect. Treat your teenager
with the utmost of respect. Why? 2 reasons.
First of all, that puts you in a more powerful position as a parent. I believe
that to have authority with your teenager, you have to be respectful. If
you’re not respectful, they may fear you. But they won’t respect you as an
authority in their life. Your respect for them put you in a more powerful position
as a parent. Here’s the other thing. We’re talking about modeling appropriate
behavior. How do you want them to behave? Even when or especially when they’re
feeling angry. You want them to be able to practice respect as well. So, that’s
the other reason for it. Now, this is kind of hard sometimes because you’re not
feeling particularly respectful in that moment. Connect with your job as a parent
which is to love them no matter what and even if, right? Practice calm voice, calm
face and calm body. And that’s going to put you in a position where it’s a lot
easier to do it. Remember, respect is something that you choose to do. It’s not
necessarily something that somebody else deserves. I was running a group once of
juvenile delinquents. At least that’s what the court called them. A bunch of
teenagers in a group. Many of them had attitudes and they were all there by
order of the court. I remember one kid in the corner had his
hat on backwards he’s sporting some an attitude over there too. And he says to
me from the corner of the room. “I respect people who respect me.” Okay. First of all,
that’s a little insight into the teenagers mind that maybe you have a
better chance of getting their respect if you’re respectful toward them. But my
thought was, “Oh, that’s really impressive. Wow! Amazing. You can respect people who
respect you? You know what’s hard is respecting people who don’t respect you.
Why? Because you’re a respectful person. Because that’s who you are.” You are
benevolent, generous, loving parent and may we add to that list. Respectful no
matter what. As tip number 3, practice unwavering respect. Tip number 4 has
to do with setting appropriate limits. I mentioned earlier that there’s a couple
of things that are required for you to have authority as a parent. One of those
things is the respect and being seen as a provider of good times and good things.
The other thing is to be able to set and enforce appropriate limits. When
teenagers are angry, sometimes they can become destructive or hurtful. We have to
set limits as parents around that because we’re still ultimately
responsible for the safety of everyone in our home. And to set appropriate
limits sometimes means that you get really clear about what you control and
what you don’t. I would not recommend that you get into a power struggle with
an angry teenager. How are we going to avoid the power struggles? By that
clarity of what we control and what we don’t. Do you control for example what
kind of language your teenager is using? No. If you controlled it, it would sound
different. Wouldn’t it? Do you control whether your teenager cooperates with
appropriate requests? No, you don’t. Because if you controlled it, they always
would. Do you see where I’m going with this?
Don’t get into a power struggle if you can avoid it. If you can’t avoid it, make
sure that you win it. And the way that you win it is you pick an issue that you
control. Let’s say for example that your angry teenager is becoming physically
threatening toward you or some other member of your family. Do you control
whether your teenager is becoming physically threatening?
No, you don’t. Because if you did, they wouldn’t. Do you control whether you call
the local police to provide protection? Oh, yes you do. Now, I’m not
suggesting that you call the police. I’m suggesting that you consider it.
Because that’s something that you control. And to set an appropriate limit
would include that their behavior doesn’t endanger other people or
property. And if it does, you’re willing to take that step. That might be an
extreme example. Although maybe it’s not too. You know what you’re dealing with at
home. Set that appropriate limit and make sure that it’s something you can control.
Tip number 5 about dealing with an angry teen has to do with the weather. I
was right here at my office one day when a thunderstorm came through. The
thunderstorm was big and loud and it was starting to drop all kinds of rain.
I remembered as I heard the Thunder outside that I had left the windows open
in my truck. What should I do? I should go out to the parking lot, raise
my fists to the heavens and say something like, “Don’t start with me!” Right?
Now, I might be committed to the mental institution. Storms pass. Weather the
storm. Are you hearing me? As it relates to your angry teenager. Go outside. Do
what is necessary to get the windows closed on your vehicle. And weather the
storm. Storms always pass, don’t they? Now, sometimes they leave a little bit of
destruction and mayhem in their way. But here’s the thing. If you’re willing to
weather the storm, that’s tip number 5.
Weather the storm. You will find that the storm will pass and you’re not
contributing to all the mayhem that happens because you’re not storming. The
worst thing that we can do when our kids are angry is to get angry ourselves.
Because that just increases the intensity of the storm and makes it more
likely that we’re going to have some casualties. Weather the storm.
Parenting can be tricky business. You’ve got what it takes and you probably need
some resources too. That’s why we’re here. And that’s also why we created the
Parenting Power-Up. If you haven’t connected to that, would you please check
that out. The reason we created this is so that you can have the tools and the
resources that you need when things get stormy.